Idolatry -- You Can't Always Get What You Want - March 22nd 2005

But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Oh Yeah!

Rest in peace, Chicken Little.

I predict:

1. In the next five years, we will have a rap album from Kevin Covais. The first single will become an ironic novelty item, not entirely unlike "You've Got The Touch" from Boogie Nights. Kevin will become rich and blow the proceeds on a set of diamond encrusted platinum teeth.
2. Kevin will eventually author and star in the first hip hop musical off Broadway. It will earn mixed reviews, due to a honkey kid singing the lead.
3. Ultimately, Chicken Little will wind up in Orlando or Anaheim, as the only Disney Character actor who doesn't have to wear a suit. Just a daily tar and feathering and he'll be ready for the kids and grandmas.
   

I cannot tell you how happy I was that everyone who is even remotely decent stayed and Kevin got the boot. Maybe the voting system actually works. No. A few sane results don't prove anything.

Next week, we work on Bumkin.

Idolatry - The Fifties are Cool Again? I guess I didn't get the notice.

First off, I offer an apology to my regular readers. I missed the first quarter of Idol last night, and so didn't see Mandisa, Bucky or Paris. So, I don't have a lot to say on that trio, except that Bucky will be in the bottom three this week and probably go home. I'm so confident of that fact, and unhappy about it, that it's my Stone Cold Lock. It ain't right, but it's Idol. And I think this gives us the opportunity to talk about the voting procedure. Remember, I am a Master of Business Administration who focused on matters of strategy and organization in my two years of study. So, I think I bring some insight to this. A little like an economist maybe.

We, as a country, probably feel that the worst singer should go home every week. And if we think about it in a shallow way, that's what the current voting process achieves. But, let's dig deeper. How do we vote on Idol? We vote for the person we like the best. There is no ranking of the next several Idols. And we don't vote the worst person as the worst. So, assuming everyone votes once for only one Idol, which is a sketchy proposal in and of itself to be address a little later, we won't necessarily see the worst person go home, or even in the bottom three. It can happen sometimes, but it won't happen all the time. Or even most of the time. Lemme explain.

Let's invent a hypothetical 30 people who are voting for four idols. We will name our Idols as follows:

1. Alan
2. Betty
3. Carl
4. Deidre

They objectively performed to be ranked like that. Now, if all of our voters voted according to the same, objective standard, Alan wins, B, C & D all get in the bottom 3 and some tie breaker gets rid of someone. Now, let's suggest that Deidre is from Frog Ass Hollow, a small rural town that time has forgotten. And let's suggest that people from Frog Ass Hollow have no conception of what good singing is and think Deidre is the best, regardless of how she sings. Let's make Frog Ass Hollow represent like 10% of our voting pool, who only vote once for just one person. So, now our votes look like this: Alan gets 27, Deidre gets 3, and Betty and Carl go to some tie breaker. Deidre will hang around for the length of the show, and probably won't win it, but maybe Betty or Carl could challenge Alan on actual merit in the final. They got the shaft and we are all poorer for it.

Now, I will grant you that this is oversimplified. That's being kind to our model. But, we have forgotten the multiple vote issue too. And we haven't incorporated any of the other reasons, aside from actual singing talent or marketability as a pop star into this model. So, imagine if you will, a more complex model. You have 12 Idols, like you did last week. One has a certain cuteness that appeals to the main viewers of the show (12 year old girls) who also happen to miss the main reasons why someone should get off the show (can't sing real songs in a pop fashion). This would be Idol will win all of the votes of this group, and they will vote and vote and vote until they shut the lines, and probably stay up to keep voting after the West Coast broadcast too. (That's a secret for everyone who lives in the Eastern 3 time zones... The show is tape delayed on the West Coast, and they open the voting lines for an additional two hours after the show airs there. So, if you are willing to stay up to 1 AM EST, you can vote for four full hours, taking an hour off to drink a double espresso.) I'm not suggesting that Melissa McGhee or Gedeon has a real chance to win the show, but on any objective scale, they were light years ahead of Kevin Covais and at least as good as The Pickler.

Now, you might suggest that I don't have a plan to fix it. I do have a plan to fix it. I have two, one of which is a lot more feasible. The options are:

1. The Survivor Option: You call and vote for the worst person, and the person with the most votes goes home.
   
2. The Ranking Option: You call and rank them 1-N in a voicemail maze. You can quit at any time, so if you are indifferent between #3 and #10, you just vote for your top 2 and exit. Everyone else gets points for third place. The person with the lowest total points goes home.
   

The survivor option is probably more appealing to everyone, since you still only have to make one phone call to vote. The Ranking Option probably sorts the matter better, though the costs and the time involved probably limit the vote count, and Fox does like to trot that 30 Million number out every week, don't they? Either option would progressively cull the weakest better than the current system.

One last note on Bucky. Every week, everyone thinks whatever he sings is going to be a disaster. Every week, he comes out and sings pretty well. He tries new stuff. He is country rock, with more in the country than in the rock. Yet, he sang the all-time greatest funk song pretty well for a white guy from Rockingham. And this week, he apparently went Rockabilly with Oh Boy. You have to give him props for dealing with themes without retreating to country. He could have very easily done a Hank Williams Sr. song here, or Elvis (which I've said he should do all along). But he ventured outside of what he does, and he doesn't countrify everything. If you don't have him points ahead of the Pickler for this, you're probably thinking about the competition wrong. I still maintain that he can't win the competition, but I don't think he should be going home yet.

Onto the people I did see.

Chris - I Walk The Line
I like Chris and I have picked him to win it all pretty early. Like Hollywood week. And his song this week was pretty good. He repurposed Johnny Cash through the Ed Kowalczyk machine (that's Live for the casual fans) and made it work. And I have to give my boy props for consistently sounding the most commercial and the most current of all contestants. I think they won't require the 5-7 year turn other Idols will apparently face before they hit standalone stardom. But I have a gripe here, in the interest of fairness. I have regularly skewered the Pickler for always going country with everything. And I feel like Chris should lose points for always being contemporary rock. But I like contempo rock a lot more than I like country music, so he doesn't lose points the same. I think Chris is more flexible than the Pickler and more willing to experiment. Afterall, he listed Celine Dion as his favorite female artist (ICK). The Pickler is straight country and she butchered Stevie Wonder. I suppose she should burn for that. Any rate, Chrissy is safe this week and my pick continues to look pretty good.

McPhee - Come Rain or Come Shine
Okay, I love Ella Fitzgerald like I love few things. And the best of the white girls came through. I didn't feel the song so much but was impressed with the technical ability shown by McPhee. There is something about her that rankles me though. I think it's that the show is working really hard to push her. Last week, we got an extra segment where we talked to her about some tabloid reports about her in front of someone else's intro video. This week, we got an extra segment talking about how Simon forgot her name in an interview... Ha ha ha BARF. So, that's probably an extra 4 or five minutes over two weeks. So what!?! It's 4-5 minutes that no one else gets as consistently as McPhee. As the "Best of the White Chicks" shouldn't she be able to stand on her own, without extra camera time. Shouldn't we give that equally to Taylor, Yamin, Chris and even Chicken Little? McPhee can stay on the island for a few more weeks, but I don't need Fox pushing this nonsense on me to recognize the talent. I also don't need to know about her doublestick tape. It was obvious from looking at her that she was taped into that dress pretty hardcore. Like it would be a national scandal if she fell out. PS- the dress was a big improvement over last week, but I didn't like the way it fell across her midsection. Yeah, I'm picky, but we are talking about the next highly polished media starling here. That's why I'm for Chris. I don't always like the facial hair, but he's more ready to cut an album of original material tomorrow than anyone else on the show.

Taylor - Not Fade Away
Randy Jackson Mode ON:

Not my favorite performance by the dog, but the dude is cool, the dude is cool. The vocal wasn't great, but the performance was hot, man. Hot, man. A little pitchy in places, but that works for this cat. I'm a fan, man.

Randy Jackson Mode OFF.
I am dying for someone to respond to Randy/Paula's confession of fandom by saying, "Well, then I'm an airconditioner." I think the Randy-lator summed up my thoughts on Taylor. The fight between Simon and Paula over this was hysterical. At some point this season, I want Simon to pull out an old vinyl record and break it over Paula's head to try and ram home that it's about the music, not the dancing. Once again, the absurdity of having a dance-first pop performer rate people on their singing comes to the fore. All that said, Taylor is safe. He is a great performer and can frequently sing really well. I wasn't in love with this one, but he's better than a lot of people who are still left.

Lisa - Why Do Fools Fall In Love
I dunno and it's not really any clearer after that. I think Lisa is a solid singer who lacks the maturity to make it big without a few years after Idol. Her wardrobe really says it all. Fugitive from the Disney Channel. I guess we should forgive her that, growing up in Anaheim, within spitting distance of Disney Land, the happiest place on earth, or at least west of Orlando and east of Tokyo. Any rate, this was good, but not that special. And I think she will be in the bottom three this week, again. It's not that there aren't three people who are worse than her left. There are. It's a constituency problem. If you are into the way black women sing, you have three choices left. If your preference is for really big vocals, you go Mandisa. If you like young and fresh, you are going with Paris, because she is quantifiably better and more ready than Lisa. So, under the current voting system, Lisa is the odd black girl out. Just like last week, McGhee was the odd white chick out, and Ayla the week before that. It's also why Kevin is going to be around for a while, despite not being it. All his rivals for the 18 and under male constituency are gone. No more Radford, Makar or Gedeon. If you like fresh faced youngins, he's your boy. More on this in a minute. I think Lisa is bottom three, with an outside chance of going home. Damn shame.

Kevin - When I Fall In Love
Regular readers think I have it in for Kevin. And they're probably right. To date, I have thought him to be technically talented, but lacking in believability. And Barry Freaking Manilow agreed with me. And worked to fix the problem. Which he did, to some extent. I was left this week, again impressed with his technical skill. I felt he sold the song. But I felt it was VERY Broadway, which is not what I think we are looking for, though Clay went pretty far with that label. I also have decided that I don't really like his singing voice. It doesn't please me the way every other contestant has done at least twice. Not even as much as Ace, whose voice also doesn't please me. Sadly, Kev will not join the bottom three this week. He deserves it, but his rivals are gone and he's just so cute.

Yamin - Teach Me Tonight
Another week, another perfectly sung song. The guy is like Ella Fitzgerald. Always the right choice, always the right pitch and tone. Just great phrasing. And it seems so easy. If he beats Chris, I won't be mad. Cause he's just that good. And, as his hair grows out, his looks improve. I noted this, and my wife said I thought he should grow bangs down to his chin. I countered that he only needed to grow them as far as his nose. He could grow a beard and moustache to cover the rest. I joke. He is looking better with more hair. Eventually, he will have enough to give him a decent hair style. And that can make a big difference. Since he's going to be around for a long time, we might even get to see it.

Bumkin - Walking After Midnight
Country girl sings country music. Big surprise. Liked Barry's comment on this. Even though I'm from New York and was familiar with the song (probably cause it was in a Coke or Pepsi commercial a couple of years ago). I was not in love with her version of this song. But that's maybe because Patsy Cline is one of maybe ten country artists that I like. Let's make a list:

1. Patsy Cline
2. Charlie Daniels
3. Hank Williams Sr
4. Garth Brooks
5. Kid Rock (really)
6. Willie Nelson
7. Waylon Jennings
8. Asleep at the Wheel
9. Crap, that's it. eight.

No comedy this week from the Bumkin. I think she forgot her lines when faced with a giant Pickle with her face on it. Funny. This girl can sing the stuff she sings. I don't have to like it. When she sings something without a twang, I will believe. Till then, she's still in my dog house with Chicken Little. That said, she ain't going home, and will probably get stronger when Bucky goes home.

Ace Young - In the Still of the Night
Ace has a couple of problems. The first is that he's good looking, but not that good looking. For my money, he's the best looking guy on the show, but he's not so good looking that he can roll just on that. The second problem is this: his singing voice just isn't that pleasant. Doesn't do it for me. This is probably a bigger problem than the first one. This was his best performance since week 1. More good Ace. I still think he's bottom three this week. Sexy only carries you so far. And he's my backup to Bucky to leave. I can't really bring a reason to mind, other than it seems like it's time for Ace to start worrying. I have a feeling. Since I didn't hear Bucky, I don't know that I can be really Stone Cold Locky about that, other than feeling. If he was really good, maybe this is Ace's week to leave.

That's about it. The level of performances has gotten better in general. I'm not sure if that's through attrition or actual improvement. Any rate, tonight, results and America's Next Top Model. Or Unan1mous, which my wife doesn't want to watch. The organizational behavior student in me is fascinated.