Idolatry - RJ does the Impossible and The Last Six Years Suck - Mar 28

Wow, what a theme last night on Idol. I guess they couldn't dig up anyone interesting to provide a good theme, so they went with Idol's choice from that last six years. Free to pick to their strengths, and indulge in their favorites, the idols, as a whole, laid a bomb. Ultimately, I can only come to the conclusion that, as a whole, the last six years have been the absolute nadir of pop music. That, or the best talent is now in hip hop and therefore not suitable for Idol.

That's a pretty depressing conclusion, even for me. I can't believe that there isn't any great pop music left. In fact, I know this isn't the case. Check out Thicke. Or Craig David. Or The White Stripes. The Hives. The Vines. The Strokes. John Legend. I could go on. But I guess none of this is Idol ready. Is it the audiences fault? Could be. But really, I blame Clear Channel and Viacom. And bad market research. I have an album by a guy named Kenna. It's awesome. This guy wins Idol, hands down, if we are judging by the criteria as stated (Talent, originality, uniquity, etc). But due to modern market research, you will never have heard of Kenna unless you read Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" (which you should do anyway). But maybe we have found something here, a fundamental disconnect between Idol & the Idol voting audience and the people who actually buy records. At any rate, I did not enjoy the show, as a whole, last night. There were some performances that were better than others, but The Randy Jacksolator put it best, time and time again, when he said, "blah blah blah... not the best song for me for you... blah blah blah."

More important than the quality of the songs was something else the Jacksolator did. I believe he went through the entire show without saying dog, dude or man. This might be the first waking hour of his adult life when he didn't use any of these words. It is certainly the first televised hour of the Jacksolator without it's three most important words. I was a little surprised after one contestant. After three, I was anxious. After five, I was pretty sure someone had said something to him, and then quashed that thought, because THAT should have happened three years ago. By the end of the show, I was actually afraid that some gear was loose in the Jacksolator's head, and it just wasn't functioning. But before we get all giddy and sick with this, let me say that, even without the three key words, the Jacksolator could have been replaced with a computer loaded with no more than twenty stock phrases. We still had:

• Not my favorite
• A little pitchy
• Keep it real
• I'm a fan
• We got a hot one
• And a few others too banal to detail

Any rate, since Jackson not saying Dawg, Dude or Man was the highlight, I dunno if you want to read the carnage that follows.

Lisa - Because of You Okay, I do not hold Kelly Clarkson in the awe that most Idol commentators do because I remember her as she was on Idol originally; a boring white chick who I always thought was a fat girl who lost weight. I think I was confirmed in this suspicion when they showed old photos of her and Guarini, but that's beside the point. The key thing is that she was a boring white chick who sang boring white chick songs perfectly. And I guess that sums up her professional career for me too. So, I'm puzzled at the song choice. Doubly puzzled because the Idol viewership seems to worship the ground Kelly floats above. So, Lisa comes out and performs a decent, but even more bland, version of a Kelly single and fails to put a real stamp on it. The judges are disappointed and I'm back to not liking Lisa because deep down, she's a boring white chick in a sister's body. Lisa is my pick to go home this week. She has been in the bottom three for two weeks now and she went first, before everyone tuned in. She got judged a little hard and her smile just wasn't that. Oh, and Paris was kind of on (more on this later), so her rival is ahead of her again. It's been fun, but the field is too deep to carry two teenage black girls, especially when one of them is, deep down, a boring white chick. More on this tomorrow or next week, depending on results.

Bumkin - Soap Suds in a Bucket
You know, we really ought to have let the South go it's own way back in the antebellum days. It is just a different country down there in the country. I don't have a point of reference for this nonsense. More country junk from the country junkie. I don't need to reiterate that, though it's gonna come back in my Chris comment. The Pickler might visit the bottom three this week and was clearly the worst performance of the evening, but I think she gets a pass again. Too many people hanging out without natural constituencies or without talent. I'm not saying that Bumkin can sing. Evidence is to the contrary, though I think it's still an open question. She can be cute. That's a talent. All in all, I might've turned the volume off for this, because it was less interesting that C-Span 2.

Ace - Drops of Jupiter
Finally, a song that I know and kinda like. I remember this one. It was by that guy who reminded me of an ersatz, though better looking, Adam Duritz (Counting Crows). This is unsexy and unromantic, and therefore out of the Ace plan. Additionally, it's outside of what Ace does moderately well. If we were picking from the last six years, and I'm ambitious, I'm taking Thicke's "When I Get You Alone" if I'm Ace Young. It's in my range. It's about boot knocking. We can find a verse and chorus that can be made Idol appropriate. It requires vocal agility, one of the skills Ace actually has. HE can even work his Falsetto in there. And plenty of room for him to make funny faces while singing. This song, no funny faces. A display of a pretty big scar on his chest. Did he have open heart surgery? Ace is in the bottom three again. Shit happens when you stray from the plan.

Taylor - Trouble
Ray LaMontagne. Yeah, that's the artist. For everyone else in the blog-o-sphere that I crib my notes from, this is how you spell it. You can do a google search for how you think it should be spelled and the song title and it will suggest the right spelling. Or you can use allmusic.com. My crib site went with "Lamtagleimdknglnh". I know we hate everything French, but this is absurd. Any rate, I liked Taylor's performance. He's too good to go home soon. He's not commercial enough to win. So, I came up with the ideal that he should sing "Yah Mo B There." He sings like Michael McDonald. He looks not entirely unlike him. So, why not take his most fun song for your swan song. Tons of fun.

This reminds me. If you want to have a good time, listen to your local "We play everything station" (here in Saint Louis, it's 106.5 the Arch. In New York, it's Jack-FM, wherever that is on the dial). You know the one. They play the best of the 70's, 80's and whatever we want. There are some regional differences (JACK & The Arch have a lot of overlap but I think Jack has a much larger playlist, but you'd expect that considering the respective markets served). Tune in for a couple of hours and play "Which Idol?" To play, you need at least two people. You pick a song at random, and ask the players "Which remaining Idol?" Tally results and if you have picked a good station, you may have just picked the eventual winner. By this methodology, Elliot wins the competition, with Mandisa in second and Taylor in third. Chris wins if you listen to a rawk station, Bumkin wins if you listen to country. But if you do it right, Elliot is the "Which Idol?" Champion of the fifth season of Idol.

Mandisa - Shackles (Praise You)
By Mary Mary. Why You Bugging? (I kill me). So, am I to believe that if Mandisa wins the whole thing, she will record funky gospel tunes? If that's to be, I dunno if she wins. On the one hand, there are tons of Jesus people out there. On the other, I think MC Hammer's "Pray"is the last song to make both the Gospel and Pop charts. That's not how we want to swing with our Idol. It's just not that show. I don't really believe this to be the case.

We need to have a moratorium on Mandisa wearing jeans on the show, particularly when performing. It is in jeans that her ass looks the widest and it's just distracting. She's singing and walking around in her jeans and I'm curious to see an x-ray to figure how her hip bones deal with it all. Are they blown out that wide? Are they a foot narrower on either side? These are the questions that keep me awake in the Age of the Thing.

Last bit. I was not crazy about the arrangement here, particularly early in the song. There's always something that keeps Mandisa from being the best. This week, it was the arrangement. It also dawned on me that they don't know how to mix Ace or Bucky. I don't think they are bad singers, because they had to survive how many rounds of acapella singing auditions and minimally accompanied songs. Something in the audio mix seems to be off for both of them. Something subtle that just swallows their voices or doesn't sit well with where they are at. If Idol could fix this problem (I believe it to be a technical problem with the show, not with the contestants in question), we might have a more interesting competition.

Chris - What If
Another week, another rawkous yell. I surmise that Cowell reads this space, because he picked up on my comment from last week, that Chris basically performs in the same millieu every week. That it was Creed only fuels the fire, as I've never liked Creed. It always felt too planned, too crass to be genuine. Anyrate, enough about Creed. Chris did his workman like best yelling on this one and I'm starting to think that he's only going to go as far as people who like yelling are willing to vote. Next week, he should really screw with people and come out with a show tune or something.

So, Cowell called him for singing the same stuff every week. He has yet to Pick on Pickler for the same sin, which she is guilty of to a more spectacular degree. If the theme doesn't agree with Chris, he takes a song and makes it his own (or he finds a band he likes who covered something and does that). Bumkin gets lazy, just sings it with a twang and tries to look cute. But Cowell calls Chris out? I don't get it. Or maybe I do. Cowell has always had a sweet spot for the cute girls, particularly the blondes. Since Bumkin is the only cute blond left, she will not get this. She will get other complaints, but not the complaint that she sings the same dopey country songs every week.

McPhee - Voice Within
I don't think you pick Xtina Aguilerra unless you are able to belt it in league with her. And there are few who can. The girl has, pound for pound, the biggest voice on anyone. She's got five octaves like Minnie Ripperton. That's usually a once in a generation kind of thing. Five octaves and that kind of bigness. So, if you take her songs (even the boring ones), you are gonna have to either bring it very big (McPhee tried and failed) or completely reinterpret the matter (this would be the right choice). Suffice to say, despite being the best of the white chicks, she isn't Xtina. So, it failed for me. It failed to prove anything I didn't already know about her. She can sing, she's white and the most interesting thing about her is the way she dresses, and not in a good way. What the hell was up with this. Girl needs a bra or some sticky tape or something. And that top was just very strange. She hasn't looked this weird since, I dunno, two weeks ago. Someone help this girl dress like an attractive girl. Please.

Bucky - Real Good Man
Duh. What do I know? I'm noted for an ability to talk, intelligently, for five minutes about pretty much anything. I think there are holes in this ability. One of them is country music. I don't have the scale to say if this is good or bad. It sounds like he's not singing right, but it could be the mix. I think it might be a combination. He scooted boots inventively and he sounded okay for junky country. But I think Bucky will return to the bottom three. I don't think he's going home, but how long can you hang around the bottom without eventually going home.

Paris - Work it Out
I have never liked this song. Not since it first appeared in Austin Powers 3: Goldmember. It always struck me as more about the funky arrangement than about the singing. There's about 10% song here, and about 90% riff. And the song is about fucking. Really. Check out the Lyrics. Dirty. Coming out of the mouth of our sweet little Paris, 17 years old and cute as a button. "I wonder what mommy will think of me now that I'm all grown up?" I suppose I could go off on a jag about the inherent weirdness of supposedly virginal celebrity teens who sing about banging. Or the virtues and vices of a public sex kitten like Xtina and the private sex freak alcoholic like Brittany Spears. It'd be about the hypocrisy of us (well, not me... I always liked X-tina better) and a definite relic of the Age of the Thing. But here, it's probably not the place. I don't care if Paris is a virgin or a working courtesan. It don't befront me none either way. What does bother me is that the image is of cute little Paris and then the song is about fucking (and I use this work in the technical sense... there's no love in this song, just dirty sexing). And it does not compute. Yes, she can sing big riffs and wear big Shaquanda earrings with a Ghetto Fab hair style. But it just doesn't ring true. She's not anymore or less ghetto than I am (and I'm not very ghetto). She just isn't. If you want an example of what a girl who would act like the girl in the song, check out America's Next Top Model tonight. Furonda is your girl. I'm guessing she can work it out. This is the Kevin Covais problem all over, just on Paris. Cowell got it right. The Jacksolator wasn't all wrong. It was hot, but in a weird, uncomfortable way. You went looking for porn and got kiddie porn. That kind of feeling.

Side note here: If you divide the contestants up, into the younger and older halves, starting back at the 24, you notice some interesting things. The older half have pretty much been eliminated because they weren't good. The younger people have all had "Sniff Test" problems. Something about the performance just didn't smell right. I'm not saying that's why they went home. But it was there for everyone of the under 20 crowd, except Gedeon, who was just kinda weird. I think it's a testament to the benefits of a little aging. It might make a case for raising the age range to 20-33. Would be interesting, though at 33 (plus five years to fully realize themselves as artists) we're talking a pretty old pop star. Just wanted to point this out before I forget it.

Yamina - I Don't Wanna Be
What can you say about Elliott "Yamina Yamina" Yamin. He picks good songs (though I don't love this one in the commercial world) that are right for his voice. He makes good choices. And he's gaining confidence. The dance was a little goofy, the white guy in hip hop bounce, but he's starting to do the things you need to do to win the show. I dunno if I think he's going to beat Chris and Mandisa at the end, but I wouldn't be shocked. I have no clue as to what kind of record he'd make as the winner of Idol but he's just starting to make a lot of sense as the eventual winner. I'm even starting to get past his troll like looks, which get better every week. Eventually, he'll have enough hair to give a real styling to and then watch out.


Okay, let's recap:

1. Randy didn't say Dawg, Dude or Man
2. The Pop Songs of the 00's suck
3. The worst performance was by Bumkin (Kelly Pickler)
4. Your bottom three are: Ace, Lisa, and Bucky
5. Your pick for going home is: Lisa (at least it's a short trip)

Tonight is the busiest night in my TV schedule. Idol results, Unan1mous and Next Top Model. Tomorrow, a bonanza of writing. Stay cool kids.