Idolatry - Love Hurts - April 25

Great love songs was the theme and Andrea Bocelli and some guy who won 14 grammys working with the likes of Whitney Houston, Celine Dion (ICK!), Chicago, and Kenny G (Double ICK!). If Kenny G and Celine Dion were in a car that drove off a cliff, it would certainly be a tragedy. It wouldn't be a great loss and it certainly couldn't have been an accident. Any rate, setting aside the merits of Grammy Awards (have you ever watched the Grammy's and felt like the most deserving people won more often than not? I never have and expect I never will), David Foster actually turned out to be the best guest coach they have ever had. Why? Because he wasn't afraid to tell them they weren't good enough. While some may feel he was rude and abrasive, I would suggest that this is more helpful than talking to Kellie about how cute she is. Granted, I don't think there is enough short term, emergency vocal coaching to fix that nonsense, but that's another issue. But for the five competitors who actually bring something worth seeing to the competition, I felt like they got more from Foster and Bocelli than from the last three guest coaches put together.

Something else new and interesting was frequent target of my ire, Paula Abdul. Paula had actual criticism for no fewer than two of the contestants. I suspect that this is a first in the five year history of Idol. We're talking about a 33% useful Paula. I kind of reverted to tuning her out in the second half of the show, but in the first half, she actually had harsh words for someone. I was happy to see it, and not just because she took my bette noire to task. If Paula keeps this up, and Simon stops kissing the ass of the pretty girl with marginal talent, I will have to pick on Seacrest's wardrobe and The Randy Jackson Robot more. Believe me, I'm up to the task, but I like to spread it thinner than that.

I suppose I should get into it round about now. So, let's just get to it.

Kelly Clarkson sang Whitney Houston's I Have Nothing. Whoops, I meant to say that Kat McPhee sang that. But sometimes it's hard to keep them straight. Two very boring white chicks who can sing pretty good. Oh yeah, they dress funny too. McPhee wore this bright yellow dress that my wife said made her look like a banana. I was thinking more along the lines of Big Bird, but either one should convey the general impression. I could be more critical of it, because it looked really weird around her hips and booty (there's some weird junk in that trunk), but since I've been harping on her to just wear a dress for about a month and a half, I suppose I can't complain that much. Wife, on the other hand, suggested that black or red is the place to go. I think she could wear a nice blue too. But the yellow was too much.

The song was boring in large places (I've stopped really wanting to comment on that because it's as regular as the sun rising) and so the Yellow Dress became a bigger star. Then, I figured out why all the people who get all huffy when people compare her to Clarkson get all huffy. It's in the big notes. She flattens out when she sings big. Listen to this. When she punches it up to eleven, it sounds off. Other contestants have mitigating strategies, like growling (Taylor) or sucking (Kellie), but McPhee just flattens out. This is what Simon is talking about when he says the song is too big for her. It's what Randy is talking about when he says "It's not the best song for you for me tonight." But I have to give credit to Paula for actually identifying it in words that I could understand. I was shocked. Upon recollection, I was even more shocked. Paula did something useful. Amazing. I guess that the relevant piece here is that McPhee is so boring that the most interesting things about her segment on the show, for me, were her ugly dress and Paula actually contributing. If I had to a pick a third, it's that she makes inappropriate facial expressions (smiling mostly) into the camera while she's singing. It's just weird. Sad comment on the girl who might possibly win this nonsense. I had her as the worst person not named Kellie Pickler on the night.

Yamin did a Donny Hathaway song. I'm sure most of White America was left wondering who Donny Hathaway is (relative of actress Anne Hathway maybe? HAHAHAH). So, as a public service, here's his allmusic page. Great singer, tragic loss. The song was A Song For You. He sang it beautifully, like always. Paula cried. Randy liked it, not the arrangement. I dunno why he's listening to the band. For all the compliments they got early on, they are generally pretty blah and sometimes seem to work directly against the strengths of the contestants. Simon evern liked it, in parts. Funny contrast. Yamin wore the same tie as Seacrest, only Yamin's was the seventies version while Seacrest wore the eighties skinny version. I'm a little bored with his brilliance, so that's all I got.

Bumkin murdered Unchained Melody. I dunno how to put it other than that. This is the third murder in a row. That should merit life without the possibility of parole. Hell, the judges even hated it. Paula came within two words of saying people should vote her off. Two words of saying she didn't belong among the top 5. Simon even complained, and got cut off by the music. Where to begin. It was never on the melody. It was above the melody in places. It was below in others. It was pitchy throughout. And the weird high false at the end was just weird and uncomfortable. I think this was the one piece of bad advice given by messers Bocelli and Foster. Just out and out awful from start to finish. She was, far and away, the worst. That said, I don't think she's going home this week. I will explain this later.

Paris sang Memories. I actually sang this song once. Upon graduation from the sixth grade. Yeah, sometimes the adults who spend their time around children lose perspective. I thought the song was a little weird on young Paris, just like young 6th grade me thought it was weird on a bunch of sixth graders. If I recall correctly, this song is the musical centerpiece to The Way We Were, an all time HoF chick flick starring Redford and Streissand. I think they play it over the montage when they recall their many years together. And that's just it. The song is about memories, covering a period longer than Paris has been on the earth. That said, Paris sang beautifully and I think she will have a long career after Idol is done with her. Yet, she is my pick to go home this week. I had a dream last night (really). I never remember my dreams, probably because when I sleep for real, I sleep as deep as anyone. I remember waking up and thinking I had seen it already. I was in the audience at the Idol Elimination show (why anyone actually goes to this is as big a mystery to me as the sound of one hand clapping. You get to see some guest vocalist perform. Then they waste a boatload of time and you get to hear the worst person (in theory) perform again. I don't get it.). Any rate, I was there, and on stage were Seacrest, Paris and Bumkin. And Seacrest is drawing it out and finally sends Paris home. There is a weird light show that accompanies the decision, but I dunno that there's any point in talking about that. So, based on this dream, I think Paris is going home this week. I woke up from this dream and had many thoughts. I offer you a sampling:

• Man, that's unfair
• God, I have to hear Pickler butcher another song
• Paris is really better than Bumkin
• Boy that sucked.
• Why? Why? Why?

I think you get the picture. But, I'd rather be right than vote my conscience, so Paris goes home. The why of it probably works a little like this. Paris is always good but not often the best to any school of thought. While I believe she is better than McPhee, I can appreciate that most people aren't going to see the difference. And she doesn't connect in a real meaningful way. I think part of this is that she presents differently every week, to match the songs or something. But I think people are more likely to connect with something comfortable, rather than something that's always new. So, even if you think Chris makes scary faces when he sings, at least you can count on it. So, while all this is going on with Paris, the Bumkin is cute, white, and has a pretty clear personality (I dunno if stupid qualifies as a personality among those who study such things, but I count hungry, horny and damp as emotions, so stupid is a well developed personality to me. Not a good one, but better than nothing, McPhee). She connects with a certain segment of the population. A couple of segments. Here's a link to one that I can respect. I'm sure the KKK is in her corner, too. One wonders, do people in the Klan watch Idol? And if they do, which judge do they listen to? The black guy (don't think so), the woman with a terrorist last name (Abdul, what is that anyway) or that limey bastard (this seems most likely, though stills stretches credibility). Any rate, if you can bet on this, bet Paris. That's where it's going.

Taylor sang Just Once. Another week, another song, another week closer to Yah Mo B There. While I like Taylor the person and Taylor the performer, I'm just not that crazy about Taylor the singer, and this week is all about that. If I had to say something nice, I liked the velvet tuxedo. I think he rounds out the bottom three and we are getting closer to Yah Mo B There. On the other hand, his fans are rabid, so maybe not. Whatever. I don't think he can win anymore. But you never know.

Chris sang Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman. Song choice always amuses me, and Chris has been pretty interesting over the course of the show. He's picked songs that have been covered by bands closer to his millieu and picked that song that Queen had never performed live. And I think this one merits some conversation. First off, it's a Bryan Adams song, which might be an Idol first. Very strange. Second, it's from a soundtrack to a lousy movie, Don Juan DeMarco. Johnny Depp plays a guy who thinks he's Don Juan. He talks to a shrink about it. And his madness is infective, because the shrink starts to believe him. I think the great Marlon Brando (he who refuses to wear pants{scroll down for it}) makes a appearance in it. Chris sings it well, after an amusing video where the coaches made him lay on the floor and sing. I think laying down on the job was good for him. I think he was second to Elliot, and safe from the bottom three again, despite an odd song choice. One more thing on the song. If you were compling the grestest love songs of all time, I dunno that you would even look to the Bryan Adams catalog. I mean, isn't he a pretty mock worthy artist?

Any rate, let's review. Five pretty good performances, but we have to have a bottom three. They are, in particular order: Kellie Pickler, Paris Bennett and Taylor Hicks. And, because it came to me in a dream, Paris is going home. Who knows what junky theme they will come up with next week. Only time will tell.