Idolatry - Girls Gone Wild - Mar 7

The wife was getting her hair done last night, so I took copious notes while the show was on. Usually, my writings are based on aided recall. My memory for this kind of trivia is pretty good, and then I will use another person's blog to make sure I get all the songs right. This week, it's all me, and some fact checking with allmusic.com. I felt the need to share that, though I think it should work out to be undetectable from my usual writing on the show.

First off, I was surprised at the reactions the judges got when introduced. Randy "DudeDawgMan" got his usual boisterous applause, largely due to his inducement of the crowd. Paula got nothing and Simon got a fairly decent round of cheers. I guess people are finally coming around to Paula’s being a big phony and the aspect of the show most in need of a change. I suppose how I would fix Idol is a totally separate writing, but Paula looms large. Not that something that pulls viewers like this really requires Fixing, but I spent two years getting an MBA and if there is one thing they teach in that, it is this: If you're not moving forward, you're falling behind. Whether it be growth or innovation or whatever, you have to be constantly looking to get better. Idol, in my opinion, isn't, and in terms of mechanics for this type of show it’s clearly behind America’s Next Top Model and Rock Star. Any rate, was interesting to see people with a cold reception to Paula. It seemed to carry through the whole show. Maybe the gig is up for her. At last. I've been saying she's useless to the show since the first season. Any rate, on to the real reason to watch, the contestants (in order of appearance):

Paris - "Conga"
Paris came out in one of those weird dress over jeans outfits that I just don't get. I mean, I suppose if you have ugly legs or something, but it looks stupid on an attractive girl like Paris. Either shorten the top or lose the jeans. Just make sense. That's all I want.

Paris sang an old Gloria Estefan song and managed to take all the latin flavor out of it. In context of the performance, the lyrics made no sense. I couldn't feel any conga beat. It wasn't there. So I couldn't feel the rhythm of it getting stronger. As a result, I was able to control myself for a much longer period than normal. Perhaps 500% longer that my usual control, when faced with a conga beat.

On top of the arrangement, Paris’s voice sounded lousy. Really. And I have been a Paris fan. I think she's sick or something, though they didn't really talk about that. During the end of the song, where she just kind of sang some notes that weren't really related to the song, she sounded AWFUL.

The judges were as hard on her as they've been, which was still not very. Randy and Paula questioned the song choice, with Randy pushing for a ballad (which she's been hammered for, picking like her grandma was picking). I think they were a little too kind to Paris, but I think the show is invested in having her around. I am too, since she's one of the best when she's on. Definitely into the top 12.

Lisa - "Here's Where I Stand"
Lisa looked good. Great look, straight out of the OOC (the Other OC, where non-white people live). Love the hair like that too. Not that I can't handle a sistah wearing it natural. I can. I just think she's got a great look for straight hair and all the chemicals and heat that involves. That said, it's getting boring to hear her sing boring ballads, and this one being an obscure one at that. I liked the theme of it, since the judges have told her to be younger, here she is singing an old person, boring song that says, this is who I am, and deal with it. Solid performance, boring song, but nice FU to Simon for his useless comment about singing too old.

Judges didn't feel it. Randy wanted more riffing and color. Me, I hate when people can't just sing the song. I think the proper ratio of song to color should be about 9:1 on the most colorful song. Randy, deep down, I believe likes a ratio closer to 3:1. That's more color than the recording industry's sensitive instruments can handle, much less the American Public's ears. I can't agree with the Dawg on this one. He also complained about the oldness of the song, as did Cowell. I think Old is their euphemism for Ballad. Though that doesn't make sense either, since Dawg just told Paris he wanted a ballad from her, after previously complaining about her singing too old. Maybe he's so busy doing his schtick that he doesn't even know what he wants anymore. Paula didn't like the song but thought it was huge anyway and Simon thinks she's safe to the next round. I concur. And want her to sing something a little less boring.

Melissa - "What About Love"
More belly from a girl who probably wants to show less. I'm not saying her middle is awful. It isn't. But it isn't display quality either. It's average. And TV adds weight and thickness, so being average, it looks, when displayed, less than average. So, I think it should be gone.

She sang a Heart song, which is the second or third we've heard this season. As the preeminent female rock singers of the 70's and 80's, I suspect we will hear more of this from the girls as this nonsense goes on, though I think the Fleetwood Mac catalog is both bigger and better. I could do a couple hundred words here about Fleetwood's position in rock history as one of the big overlooked bands, but given their position there, I doubt anyone is really interested. That said, if you want to be straight about their proper place in rock, get 25 Years: The Chain. Lotta great stuff in those 4 discs. Definitely worth listening to and you could probably pick a theme episode of Idol out of there without short changing anyone.

Back to the song she did sing, Heart's "What About Love.” I felt it was a little shaky at the start and a little rough at the end. In the middle, I felt she didn't stand out from the background vocalists. In all, it was okay, but not that great. Having looked at the blog-o-sphere briefly, people disagree with me on this, but the morons who judge the show agree with me, save Paula. Randy liked it, except for the sharp ending and Simon felt the end killed her. He also noted that she shouted the song, rather than sang it, which is a subtle distinction a lot of people don't seem to be able to figure. Paula loved it, but Jesus loves us all too.

I'm thinking there's a chance she could go home this week. My thinking is like this: First off, she's only okay as a singer. Secondly, she's not that great of a looker. Third off, she is always the last one I remember when I'm trying to remember the 8 girls. So, she's not that great at any of the things you need to do, and she's not really memorable, after three songs. This is probably as lethal a combination as just outright stinking at this point. Remember, we don't vote people off, we vote people on. And I think she's probably #3 and down on most people's list. That would argue for leaving sooner rather than later. I'm not picking this yet, because the rest of the field hasn't gotten my full attention, but it could happen.

Kinnik - "If I Ain't Got You"
Kinnik looked great this week. Good outfit that fit in context with her, her song, and the show. Not everyone puts enough effort into this portion of the show. It's the small stuff.

I liked her singing for most of the song, but she went wrong and had trouble finding it again. She was a little off-key I guess. The judges all blasted her, even Paula, which was puzzling. So puzzling I did a double take. She said it was the first time Kinnik has been sharp on the show. Simon basically booked her ticket home.

Simon is probably going to be right on this one. Honestly, I think Kinnik is among the top four or five girls in the competition, but, as discussed in this space before, she doesn't have that natural constituency and that's gonna get her kicked sooner than she ought to be. That she pooched a song this week only gives us more reason to lose her. Plus, she's been in the bottom group in the first two weeks, despite singing really well. This is is. The STONE COLD LOCK. I don't like it, but my vote isn't enough to fix it. Sorry honey.

Last note on Kinnik here. When Gedeon signs a record deal, I think the should do a duet. Her performance this week reminded me of the old soul that Ged sings. Plenty of old soul duets and I think they'd make it sound great.

Katherine - "Think"
Katherine, please, take your own advice. Think, think, think about what you're trying to do to us. I don't have a problem with white chicks singing soul songs. But when they SUCK the SOUL out of them, I get annoyed. Technically speaking, she sang it perfectly. But it lacked that something that makes it a soul song. That thing is, in short, a soul. You could see it as she tried to dance to it. She did the White Chick Shimmy Shake. I think this is probably acceptable in an Idol context, since Kelly Clarkson sucked the soul out of anything soulful that she sang, and did the stiffest White Chick Shimmy ever seen and still won. But really, it's five years post-Clarkson. Shouldn't we have moved on by now?

All that said, the chorus was better than the verse to the song, and neither one had soul. The judges didn't feel me on this one. Randy erupted about a hot one and Paula enjoyed it. Simon thought it was a good risk. I guess she's safe, but if we were voting people off instead of on, I'd be worried that Black America would rise up and stomp her. Since we vote ‘em on, I guess it's important that she maintained her status as "Best of the White Chicks.” She also got the bonus of extra camera time (Kinnik's pre-song, pre-video camera time at that) so I guess the show is invested in her too.

Ayla, the Squity One - "Unwritten"
Attack of the 50ft Woman. She's tall to start with, then adds some heels and then wears pedal pushers which make her look even longer. I know you want to tower over the competition, but this is ridiculous. She was a foot higher than anyone else on the stage. She must squint cause the air is thin up there.

She sang some boring song that is on the pop charts now-ish, as in last year by someone with the ultra-cool rock name Natasha Bedingfield. I guess her publicist was asleep that week. Any rate, the song was boring and pretty easy to sing. From a performance standpoint, it was pretty safe. I think there were four or five notes in it. Very short vocal range, so it's easy to stay on key. And, to top it off, the song is one of those nauseatingly positive, you've got the power type songs, of which there have only been two that were any good: "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor and "You've Got the Touch" by Marky Mark as Dirk Digler. Given that, we should dismiss this performance as fluff and move on.

Randy called her on song choice, though he enjoyed the performance. Paula suggested that she would fight the fight till the end, which to me is Paula speak for, You're trying but it's ultimately futile. Simon liked the pop-i-ness of the song, which I guess I concur with, though I didn't like the song. I'm sure she'll be back to icky ballads next week, which is why I'd vote her off now. Kill her before she bores again. I think she's probably safe, because it was a pretty good performance, but when people start stepping it up, I dunno that she's got another level to go to.

Mandisa - "Everywoman"
Okay, I gotta start with a joke. It's bad, but it ran through my head through the song. Lyric to the song goes "I'm every woman, they're all in me." I think you can write your own punchline to that one, vis-a-vis the shape of Mandisa. I know. I'm a sad individual.

Mandisa looked great in an outfit from the Mrs. Roper collection. And she kicked ass with the song. It finally came completely together for her. Any doubters can eat it, cause Mandisa delivered. The judges all agreed, with Simon elevating it to TiVo keep status. Total lock to make the cut this week and my contention that it's coming down to Chris against Mandisa seems validated at the moment.

The Pickler - "I'm the Only One"
This is the second Melissa Etheridge song in 5 episodes this year. I hope it's not a trend, because there's only so deep I want to go into that songbook. And considering the previous Etheridge singer went home the next day, I would think this is maybe a little risky. Even for a cute girl like the Pickler.

The Pickler took a song that wasn't a country song and made it a country song. If she doesn't sing something straight, I'm gonna have to advocate her immediate removal from the show for hicking it up too much. If you want to sing country, go on USA's Nashville Star with the big Judd and Cowboy Troy. On top of all that, I didn't think she was that good this week. It got better after the wife walked in, but the start was less than pleasant. Once she got into the louder part, she was in her element and sounded better. And she did the White Chick Shimmy setting back the cause of white women dancers by at least five years. Awkward and weird in a way a cute girl just shouldn't be. No wonder black people make fun of us. Dave Chappelle, you are right on.

The judges eat this crap up. Randy loved it, though without going to his Dawg Pound. Paula liked it too. Simon called her a naughty minx and then had to awkwardly explain himself. She's not going anywhere.

Who's Going Home
As noted earlier, Kinnik is your stone cold lock to leave. I think Melissa will not have the opportunity to display her belly on national TV again. That seems most likely, especially since Cowell called it. If I have to pick a third choice, it's probably Squinty. The dark horse is Paris, who stank, but is just too popular to go home with one stinker at this point.

Blogger's Note:
Tomorrow, I will write up the men, then write up the results show, briefly, on Friday. I might do something about Deal or No Deal on Friday as well, since I have stuff to write about that nonsense. Monday, I will have my take on the finale of Flavor of Love. I didn't feel the clip show merited a post.