American Idolatry Mar 1, 2005 - The Guys Sing - Flavor of Love Edition

Idol Photos - March 1

Last night, I became convinced that the judges are there strictly to push the voting in one direction or another, regardless of what actually just happened on stage. Maybe there is a dynamic here similar to Olympic figure skating, where the judges watch the practices and everything, so they effectively vote before the performance, and then just tailor their comments after someone bones it. I will explain specific instances of where the judges, particularly Randy and Paula, are clearly watching a show on a different network.

Halfway through the show last night, I came up with the idea of giving all of the guys nicknames taken from (and inspired by) Flavor of Love. Since these are my two great TV loves of the moment, I figured I should bring them together. This is probably a first in reality TV blogging, so we'll see how it goes.

The biggest change since Dunkelman left (this is probably more ink than Dunkelman has gotten since leaving) came undone this episode, as Paula moved back to her proper place, in the middle. Regular readers know that I think Paula's proper place is off the show, but I'll settle for her in the middle. With a little reflection, I think I will come to miss her sitting on the other side of Randy. I think it minimized her interruptions of Simon, who as the mostly honest judge, is the only one I want to hear.

Last note on the show in general before I get into specifics. Maybe it's been a while since I watched, but it seemed that Randy Jackson was WAY over the top into his schtick last night. I think he should make an effort to go through a show without saying the following words and phrases:

• Dawg
• Dude
• Man
• Pitchy
• Hot one
• It wasn't my favorite

Simon can reciprocate by not using:

• Dreadful
• Nightmare
• Ghastly
• If you heard that on the radio (although he has an open invitation to revive my favorite comment from the British version, which was "If you were driving your car and that came on the radio, I think you'd crash.").
  

Paula can get in the action by offering some useful advice to EVERY contestant between the gushing squishy love fests.

Okay, onto the meat of the show, the contestants.

Taylor Hicks shall heretofore be known as Smokey after Flav's erstwhile Asian moron. He gets this nickname for his voice and his hair, not any resemblance to the bimbo. He sang "Easy" from the The Commodores catalog. Great song, great choice for Mr. Hicks. It looked good on paper and it looked good on stage. For some reasons, the judges didn't like it. I don't know why. All three complained about song choice here, and I was unclear on what they didn't like about it. It fit his voice, it fit his style and he sounded good doing it. Smokey's not going home this week. I want him, for a great laugh, to do some Foreigner. Before you tune me out here, think about this. Stick to the less cheesy from that catalog and you're looking at some great songs that just need a new flavor to them. Maybe a Smokey flavor. Here are potential songs from this catalog:

• Cold as Ice
• I Want to Know What Love Is
• Waiting For a Girl Like You
• Feels Like the First Time

Elliot Yamin is Picasso after the arty weirdo who was in love with Flav. As the least attractive girl, in any conventional sense, I feel this is apt. He sang an ancient song, "Moody's Mood for Love" originally concieved by James Moody, jazz legend. As always, Elliot, as a singer amazes. Just great. And singing jazz (not crooning) is not easy. This guy belongs in the very late stages of this competition. The praise flowed from the judges, though Simon suggested that you cannot win Idol with a song like this. I think what he's getting at is this: Being the Idol is not just about being the best singer. It's about being accessible and in a popular mold. Moody's Mood is old and jazz, and therefore not interesting to a large segment of Idol's audience. I think there's some merit to what Simon is saying, but at this stage of the competition, when there are still some rough performers in the field, I think this was a great song choice. Maybe you can't win Idol with Moody's Mood, but you can move a round closer to winning. And that's what it's about, right?

Ace Young, who shall, for obvious reasons be dubbed Hottie, stank up the joint with a song that I had never heard before and will be happy if I never hear again. His voice was all over the place. Amazingly, it went everywhere but where it was supposed to be for the entire song. His falsetto was false and I'm starting to think maybe Hottie can't really sing. With some research, I've discovered that Hottie misidentified the song he was mangling. Randy and Paula had some praise for Hottie, about his singing, which was truly bizzarre. Simon didn't like it, so at least one of the three aren't drinking the Kool-Aid and watching ABC. Shameful. Hottie needs to know that the public have thrown good looking people off this show before for not singing well. That dude that was related to John Quincy Adams springs to my mind. That said, I don't think Hottie goes this week. But straighten up and fly right.

Gedeon McKinney shall heretofore be known as Smiley. I came up with the Flavor of Love conceit when Seacrest went to commercial and said they were coming back with Ace and Gedeon. I said to the wife, Hottie and Smiley, without thinking of FoL, and then it hit me. Gedeon is sticking to the plan, sing that old school soul that his voice is perfect for. This week, Sam Cooke's "Change is Gonna Come." Very very very nice. People who doubted Smiley should come around after this one. The judges woke up and appreciated. Randy even came out of his Kool-Aid haze enough to identify a Sam vibe. I think he even got Sam Cooke in his ramblings. Paula liked it as did Simon. I want us all to take a quick look at Sam Cooke's all music page. I think this is instructive of where Smiley should be going for the rest of the competition. I described it to my wife as a history of Motown and Stax. Last week, we did 1959 with Shout. This week, 1964 with Change. Next week, maybe we keep it pre-Beatles.Maybe the Jackie Wilson catalog. Maybe we get late sixties with some Otis Redding or Marvin Gaye. I can see this going a lot of places. I want to reiterate that I would LOVE to hear someone do Van Morrison's "Jackie Wilson Said" on Idol, and Smiley and Smokey are my leading candidates. Would love to hear that.

Kevin Covais shall be known as Dimplez. I have four words for Kevin. Lemme set them out, so everyone can be clear, and they draw attention.

You are not black!

It's that simple. Two weeks of Dimplez and we have had Brian McKnight and now, one of Marvin Gaye's signature songs, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine." The song, while technically okay, just lacked the coolness, the soul, the blackness of the song. Hell, it had more soul when the Average White Band did it. Oddly, the judges liked it, or rather, liked him. Simon gave him the radio comment, but didn't go with the car crash. I think it was that bad. There is a weird dynamic here. Dimplez has the perfect voice, look, package, etc, to do those nauseating Disney musical ballads that are popular with some contestants. Much as I hate that kind of thing, I would rather have Dimplez do that than murder any further classics from black people. If he does this again, I'm gonna be forced to call him Pat Boone. Fortunately, he might not have the chance to do it. Thank god February only had 28 days this year. If this had happened in Black History Month, I think the post-OJ riots in LA would have been like a trip to Disneyland.

I think I need to expand on my feelings about his song choices. Yesterday, the judges told the two young girls to sing younger. I think they are missing this comment on the people who really need it, namely Dimplez and Braydee. But especially Dimplez. Heard it Through the Grapevine is a song about a guy who's woman is running around on him and he's confronting her. It just doesn't ring true when a 16-going-on-12 year old Chicken Little lookalike sings it. I'll talk about Braydee's song choice in his comment, but it had that same lack of verasimilitude. Oddly, even though Smiley is in the same age range, he makes it ring. Sweetie, the other male contestant who can't vote also lacks verasimilitude.

Jose "Sway" Penala is, for comedy's sake, Miss Latin. He butchered Stevie Wonder's Overjoyed. I ranted yesterday about singing boring Stevie Wonder songs badly, and everything I said about that applys to Miss Latin too. My fears were confirmed. His falsetto was good but his regular voice just isn't that pleasing. The judges were varying levels of hard on Miss Latin. Randy noted his skills but said he'd like to see more falsetto. My wife said she doesn't think he can get through the whole competition with falsetto songs. I think there are probably enough songs that feature it to get him from here to the finals, but his regular voice just isn't pleasant. Technically, he does great things with a nasal, average voice. Miss Latin is my STONE COLD LOCK to go home tomorrow. Book it. It's gonna happen. If you can tease Miss Latin with Brenna, you could probably make a good return.

Will Makar, who gets a Flav inspired name of Braydee, sang some Kenny Rogers. Technically and artistically, I was impressed and now have Braydee ahead of Dimplez. But I think he should have restyled the song, making it "Girl" instead of "Lady". What does Braydee know of ladys? Maybe he's seen Lady and the Tramp? I didn't have as big a problem with it as I did with Dimplez, but it's there. You're 17. You don't even shave yet. What do you know of ladys and heartbreak? You officially can't sing this stuff until you have three of the following five things:

• A Job
• A Car Payment
• The Right to Drink at a Bar without a Fake ID
• A College Degree
• Facial Hair

That's just that way it is. It doesn't ring true to us if you aren't one of us. And much as I love his resemblance to a similar aged Christopher Knight (and his dad's resemblance to the Christopher Knight of today, if Chris weren't a former TV star and on the prowl for models). Braydee will last another week. This week, his stock went up the most in my eyes (NOTE: I was high on Smiley last week. I think Smiley was the biggest gainer with America this week).

Bucky Covington gets to be Goldie, because, as Flav would say, "he country." And this week, he was just that, rocking the Garth Brooks. When he said he was doing Garth, I had a vision of him doing "Friends in Low Places", my favorite Garth song. Thunder Rolls is my second fav, so I wasn't totally disappointed. Goldie knocked it out of the park, and upped his stock. He's got that country thing that they do with their voices and it sounds good on this guy who can't decode a Hollywood menu. I think Goldie can go deep but cannot win. I think recognition of the situation drove him to go more country, so maybe he can get out of being compared to Chris. But here is the rub. If he goes all country, that probably niches him off, and just paves the way for a more flexible singer to take his non-country fans. That said, I think he should do another week or two of country, just to set himself outside of the male group, and then he can come back to more mainstream material, to show that he's flexible. I still don't see him winning, largely because of a quality problem. He's good, but he's not as good as the top people. He's totally safe this week though.

David Radford, who shall be known as Sweetie, because it's the only Flav-o-name left appropriate for a 17 yeard old baby faced guy. Predictably, Sweetie revisits the crooner catalog, this time working Sinatra's "The Way You Look" to minimal effect. Simon hit this right on the head, while the other two made excuses for him. The issue here, aside from a lack of broad talent, is a lack of confidence. You look at your great singers from the age of the crooner and part of the image is the swagger. That something that says, I have been with more women than you, I can drink more martinis than you, and you could only want to be me or be with me. They all had IT. For some of them, IT was all they had. Sweetie doesn't have IT. He doesn't even have it. He hasn't been with any women and he hasn't had any martinis. I don't want to be him. I don't want to be in his entourage. And if you're going to sing those old standards, you gotta have IT big time. A young Sinatra wins this competition going away, singing the same songs that Radford sings. It's not the material, it's the presentation. I don't think he can get that by the time he's going to need it, assuming he survives this week, which I don't see happening. It's too little talent, too little IT and too little credibility. I don't believe he knows about the summer wind or the way she looks tonight. And so, I'm making him my CO-STONE COLD LOCK. If you can take the three piece parlay, do it.

Chris shall be called New York, because it's pretty clear that New York is going to win FoL and after last night, I think it's pretty clear that Chris will win Idol, or at least be the last man standing. He sang some angsty rock song that's making the radio rounds in the last year or so. Some band named Fuel. It rocked out big and was just a very professional rock star performance. This guy is miles ahead of most of the competition. He looks that part (though I want the sideburn things and the soul patch gone) he sings the part, he's got IT. My top three guys right now are New York, Picasso and Smiley. New York is maybe not the singer that Picasso is but he's not that far behind and he's lightyears ahead in the looks and intangibles. He's more commercial than Smiley. This guy should close the show every week (from a narrative standpoint, that'd be better TV. From a fairness standpoint, that'd suck). I will predict, now, that we are looking at a Chris vs. Mandisa final. Book it.

In review, the men who are going home are Jose Sway Penala and David Radford. I would throw Ace Young in as a wild card, to hedge my bet, but I don't see that happening when there are worse people still in the field. Ace had one good performance and one bad one. Radford has yet to throw down a good one and Sway is a one trick pony. In terms of upside, Ace is too high to go this week.