Flavor Fla-a-a-v: Best Episode Ever

The Flavor of Love : Episode 8: Family Flavors

Let's start this off by noting that it originally aired in February, notable not just as the birth month of three great Americans (George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and me) but also as Black History Month. Is there a better testament to how far we've come than this show, the absolute low point of television, period, no argument allowed. But as the FOX network proves, just cause it's a new low doesn't mean it isn't entertaining. I watch this twice a day on Sunday. I got really mad Superbowl weekend when there was no new Flavor. I dunno what I'm gonna do after next week. Of course, I'm still living after "Breaking Bonaduce" so I'm sure I'll find a way to carry on.

This week, on Flavor of Love, Mr. Flav goes out with each of the three remaining bodies (his word, not mine) and their families. Hilarity ensues. First up is Pumkin and her mom, Mrs. Pumkin. Pumkin, for those of you who missed it, is the only body to actually have sex with Mr. Flav to date. Mom even asks about their date on the previous show and walks away saying she's sure her daughter used her head. I walked away saying I'm sure that's not all she used. This is, after all, a girl who truthfully said that she had sex on a previous reality show, probably Blind Date. She hadn't told Flav about Blind Date, largely because he apparently booted the atrocious Hottie for being on the same show. I think she blew her shot at the "prize" when she didn't tell him. Flav booted Hottie because he finally saw her as a golddigger, through the lens of her Blind Date episode. I don't think he booted her because she was on the show. Similarly, I think Pumkin could spin her Blind Date appearance like this:

I went on Blind Date. I thought it would be fun. And it was. I wanted to have a nice night out with a nice guy and I got that. Afterall, I'm a substitute teacher and a cheerleading coach. There's not a lot of money or glamour in that. And don't we all deserve a little Flavor in our lives. I think Mr. Flav would have been okay with that explantion.

Maybe you run it through the Flav-o-rizer and put it in language he can follow. If he really appreaciates "real", he'd be cool with that, and boot New York. But, as we've seen, Flav-o-vision is myopic at the best of times. After all, it took him a Blind Date episode to figure out that Hottie was just after money he doesn't have. Everyone else in the house knew that by the second week.

Black History Moment #1 from this week has to be from his date with Pumkin & Mrs. Pumkin. They go to a nail salon and get mani-pedicures. The full treatment. Flavor pulls off his shoes revealing what might be the nastiest feet on a celebrity ever. Flav has officially passed Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead as celebrity I'd least like to have sex with regardless of homo-implications. The great moment in Black History is Flav's line about his funky feet.

I got the feet of a runaway slave, yeah!

Don't black people have enough to overcome without having Flav's nonsense heaped on top? Wasn't it not so long ago that Flav was a vital voice in Black America, being part of Public Enemy and writing songs like "911 is a Joke"? Sad sad times indeed. Someone should probably put a bullet to his head before he gets any worse.

Date #2 is with Hoopz & Mrs. Hoopz. But before that gets underway, Pumkin has to tweak New York, something everyone except New York enjoys. New York gets worked up over the most bizzare things. She's not going on both group activities with Flavor, even though no one else is going on two. Hoopz is going now and she has to wait for later. Pumkin and Hoopz beat her to Flav's bedroom. At that point, they were "sluts." I think this is a Pot Kettle Black situation, since she was only mad they got their first. Any rate, Pumkin and Hoopz are now Lesbians in New York's estimation, probably because they are both ahead of her in the competition for "her man" and because they like to talk to each other. Go figure. Any rate, she tweaks pretty easy, leading Pumkin to utter one of the best lines about her thus far.

Drama 101. That's it. The bitch has finally lost it.

She then does a pretty funny imitation of New York freaking out, though she loses points for not doing it with her eyes closed. Her comment ranks in the top five things said about New York during the run of the show. In no particular order:
*- Hottie's comment about taking her jacket and driving over it in her car.
*- Drama 101.
*- Pumkin's comment from the end of this show.
*- The one who called her Shrek.
*- And the one who accused her of having a penis.

Flav and the two Hoopz go to an ultra classy establishment, Mideval Times. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to confess, I have been to the exact oone that they went to, down in Anaheim. Yeah, I'm ashamed. A little. Any rate, they go, Flav eats, which is a spectacle to rival anything at Mideval Times. This was one of the five grossest instances of Flav eating on the show. In no particular order:

*- Red Lobster with Sweetie (okay, this was the worst)
*- The Turkey Leg in this episode
*- The fried chicken in bed when Smiley slept through their date (and all the fired chicken through the other 9 dates that evening)
*- The date with Hoopz and Mrs. Flav where he ate a ton food while the lady's talked
*- The date with New York in Las Vegas

Special mention goes to two non-food eats:
*- New York's face in Las Vegas (9 minute kiss with a MAN, baby)
*- Bridgitte Nielsen, in archival footage from Surreal Life

Hoopz's big worry is that her mom is gonna mack on Flav. If I were her, I would pray for that. Let your mom have him, and go find a decent guy to be with. You couldn't do much worse than Flav.

That night, Pumkin goes to Flav and Flav is having none of it. He's basically decided she's fake (myopia strikes again) and he's gonna axe her at the end of this episode. Signs of Pumkin fraying around the edges are apparent, as she is desperate to "reconnect" Flav to save her show life. I said it last week, I think she would eat a turd right out of his butt if that's what it would take to win. Since Flav can't appreciate that, I guess that's his loss.

Side issue here: On flav's bed in this scene, there is something blurred out. It's small and it blurred to white. I'm thinking drugs, though my first thought was dildo. But upon further review, it's almost certainly drugs. Which raises a production question. This show is pretty tightly produced, particularly in post-production. I think they should win an emmy for best-posting of a reality show, low budget. But here, they blurred something small that was on the edge of the action to the scene. Made me notice something that I probably wouldn't have looked at anyway. And that made me think. Whereas, if there was just a pouch of weed on the bed, I don't think I would have even noticed it. But blurring it makes me think it's almost certainly drugs. I suppose they know better, having seen the shot without the blur, but I think it's kind of a dopey thing to blur.

Date # 3 is with New York and her folks. Her mom is Omarosa. I think that's the best way to explain it. She's a combination between Omarosa and the Shrew from Shakespear. If Flav says it's art (his gaudy painting of him in the Garden of Eden, with him as Adam, complete with fig leaf, clock, gold teeth and viking helmet), Mrs. New York says it's demonic. She doesn't like Flav at all (an amazingly clear headed person) and doesn't want her son... er... daughter Shrek to have anything to do with Flav. My favorite sequence is New York's mom saying "Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever..." as New York tries to get a word in edgewise in Flav's favor. Ultimately, Shrek is presented with a choice: Her mom or Flavor Flav. Given the grief that mom has given everyone since rolling up to the house, I think it's a clear choice for Flav, icky as that is.

New York's Dad gets along famously with Flav, who takes another swipe at Black History, proclaiming himself the next Flavor Ashe. He then proceeds to try and play tennis while holding his large chain and a large clock around his neck and wearing outsized sunglasses. He never had a chance. Very strange, but very endearing. I look at it as a metaphor for Flav's existence. He is trapped by the implements of his fame. He cannot escape his giant clocks, gold teeth and goofy hats and shades. They are to Flav as the chains are to Jacob Marley, Scrooge's partner. If there is an afterlife, I think Flav roams it, weighed down by very large clocks.

Finally, the elimiation. It was pretty obvious to anyone who has watched the show, that Pumkin was going home. New York's mom was awful, but the percieved lie (it was a sin of omission by design) was too big to get over. Also, looking at the mom's, Pumkin has the least attractive mom, so maybe you see her going that way in the long term. Pumkin does not take it well. She's mad at Flav, in my opinion, rightfully so. She won't hug him, since he just dissed her. She takes a verbal swipe at New York, endorsing Hoopz to Flav. New York unleases a little verbiage at Pumkin. Pumkin unleases a Top Five New York Comment... "You transvestite looking bitch" in New York's direction, while going to hug Hoopz goodbye and wish her good luck. New York lets fly with some more verbiage, which Hoopz tells Pumkin to ignore. Pumkin seems to, but as she walks from Hoopz, she spits in New York's face and turns to walk away. New York Loses it (yes, with a capital L) and shoves Pumkin through the A camera. They got great footage of all of this. Like I said, amazing production team. They caught the spit, including the impact on New York's hair and chin. They got Pumkin going right into the camera on two cameras, including the one she ran into. Flav has to restrain New York from going outside to kick Pum's ass. He holds her with the immunity clock. She stays, but vows to "take her out."

Pumkin outside cannot breathe and she's furious and sad about the whole experience. She's mad at Flav (it's the myopia) and she's seething with hate for New York. I think she can do better, though she's probably running out of shows to go on. Flavor doesn't even pour out any champagne for Pumkin, something he even did for Sweetie who unleashed a bit of truth talking to Mr. "I Want Real" upon her elimination. The show replayed the incident about five times, adding a demonic growl to New York. Even funnier than the demonic laugh they added when Hottie was booted. Hoopz talks in confessional about how spitting is the worst you can do, but that New York had it coming.

For my part, I think it was a riot that New York got Pumkin's spit. I would pay money to get the raw tapes from the rest of that night, as New York scrubs her face raw and combs her weave out of her head. You can see the edges fraying big time, as Flav talks to his remaining bodies. New York is playing with the exact part of her hair that Pumkin spit on. You can tell, as soon as Flav leaves, she's gonna wash it and brush it till it falls out. She's got this OCD aspect to her personality, combined with some kind of schizo-paranoia. I want to see the footage of her obsessing over her hair, planning her revenge against all the forces who are plotting against her.

All in all, I hope she wins. She is just what the moronic, myopic Flav needs in his life.