We are living / in the age / in which the pursuit of all values / other than / money, succes, fame, glamor / has either been discredited or destroyed. / MONEY, SUCCESS, FAME, GLAMOUR / for we are livining the Age of the Thing. -From the Party Monster Soundtrack
This Space is a natural reaction to the AGE of the THING.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I'm Guilty - I Watch "Flavor of Love"

Flavor of Love - VH1

My name is Max and I am a "reality" TV addict. I don't know when it happened. Maybe it was Real World San Francisco (though I stopped watching when Puck got tossed). Maybe it was Survivor. I think the real turning point was Surreal Life 3, the one where Flavor Flav hooked up Brigitte Nielsen. There was something so unreal about that plot line that maybe nothing would top it again. Except that Flavor did, with Strange Love, which was the continuing adventures of Mr. Foofie Foofie (Flavor Flav) and Geeta (Nielsen) as they toured Italy and the US and tested their love, which wound up being fascinating and not strong enough to separate Nielsen from a clear gold digger. Flav was knocked from the throne of "Most Compelling Celebrity Reality Star" last year by Danny Bonaduce, the only reality show that I actually felt angry when I missed an episode. Maybe the only TV I have ever felt that about. I guess Flavor and VH1 couldn't stand being second fiddle. That's what caused VH1 to act as pimp to Flavor Flav, easily one of the five grossest celebs on TV.

I am an addict. And I have hit rock bottom. There is nothing of redeeming value about "Flavor of Love." If you want objectification of women, you got it. If you want women acting the fool for a fool, you got it. If you want to see people compete, cut throat style, for the lowest prize in "reality" TV history, this is your show. And yet, I can't turn away.

I LOVE to watch "Hottie" and "New York" (all contestants have been stripped of their names, and given nicknames by FF) talk and fight. And I love to watch every other contestant on the show bag on them. I love the bicycle bell sound they play when Hottie blinks. I love watching a bunch of girls who are largely insane (New York and Hottie are among several contestants who display symptoms of psychotic breaks), compete for a man who is likely going to do nothing for them, save break their hearts, if in fact they can love him. I love wanting to heave every time they show FF eat. I don't know how the girl who went to Red Lobster with him didn't puke on him. If I had been that girl, and I managed to keep my chunks, I would have quit the show right there.

I love the girl (Pumkin) who cried because Flav called her a little distant from some kids. She is, she reminded us, "A substitute teacher and a cheerleading coach." She reminded us five times in the episode. I love that Hottie calls New York Shrek. I love that some other girl said she looks like a drag queen. I love that it's all true, especially the Shrek part.



But most of all, I love Flavor Flav. I love being appalled as he gropes each girl. I suppose I shouldn't be, as they are all clearly into it and in control of how far it goes. Is it Flavor Flav's fault if New York puts his hand on her vagina? Maybe, but I'm not willing to beat him down for it. He is himself, at all times. Or at least he is consistently his stage persona. He pours out champagne at the end of each episode for his departed suitors. He gets angry when a girl he accuses of being fake talks back (she was right too. She went above and beyond, but I think, with some time, she will figure she's better off without Flav). He eats fried chicken constantly, except at the Red Lobster, where he drips butter on everything. He gives out giant clocks to the girls to show they "know what time it is" or know that"their time is up." He has no problem that his iconic conceit (big clocks) is a bigger stylistic component of the show than anything else. The two statues out front wear giant clocks and chrome teeth. But through it all, Flav is just Flav.

One might wonder, what is the Flavor of Love, anyway? If this show is any indication, I suspect it is greasy, breaded and tastes vaguely of gold flake tooth caps. And I like the taste. To my shame.

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