Idolatry - The Boys are Back In Town - Mar 8

No link here. They don't really go anywhere useful. I'm also going to be a little briefer today, because I want to talk briefly about America's Next Top Model, which premiered last night. So, let's crank this one out.

First off, no applause for Paula again. Very strange. Big up for Simon and Randy, and only residual applause for Paula. What up with that? I have a theory on why Paula is so uncritical. Paula Abdul's strength as a performer was her dancing. In fact, it was her in. She was a Laker Girl and a choreographer before becoming a singing star. Her singing voice was more of a plus than her meal ticket. So, I believe her standard for who comes to Hollywood is anyone who can sing as well as she can, which is a low bar, in terms of pop stardom. By the time we weed down the Hollywood Invitees to a more manageable number, everyone is a better singer than Paula Abdul. So, I guess the remedy to the Paula situation is this: Remove her and install the musical equivalent of Janice Dickinson, a person who reached the top of the profession and is crazy. Since Mariah Carey's career is resurgent, I guess that rules her out, so maybe you can get Whitney Houston. Or Maybe Brittney Spears will be washed up enough by next year. I'm sure there are lesser lights who are just as crazy. It's gotta be a woman though.

I think Taylor won the evening. Not just because he sang Michael McDonald, which I said he should, but because he was actually better than anyone else on the show, last night. He's safe. Although he might dislocate something with his spastic dance moves. Dave Chappelle, this guy could be 5 minutes of material alone.

Chris turned in a solid performance of a boring song that didn't really do it for me. Simon called it self-indulgent. I dunno what he meant by that, but the song had a very repetitive chorus and didn't really move me. That said, I think he was the number two performer last night. Even with a lazy song choice, he's still very at home in his genre. I'm curious to see one out of the genre, in the interest of fairness since I'm always ripping on the country people for only singing country.

Another week, another solid Gedeon soul performance. More than his performances, I enjoy hearing him talk, particularly in the recorded sections. Straight out of a correspondance course on diction. Very out there. My wife thinks he comes off as "special." I dunno about that, but I enjoy it. Also his goofy painting. I think he was tied with Chris. Maybe I should work a tiering system. Yeah, okay. Ged and Chris are on the B level.

On the C level, Elliot and Bucky. Elliot can flat out sing anything. Every week, he sings something completely different, and every week, I enjoy hearing him sing. Even when he picks something that's not well suited for his voice, like Heaven, he still sings it well. If I had to pick one person on Idol to sing a randomly picked song from any genre, it's Elliot or Mandisa. Maybe that's a sign on how this should end. Elliot and Mandisa taking requests at the Karaoke Bar. Five random songs a piece. Winner take all. When I think of the competition like that, my faith in Chris falters a little. On the upside, that's not how it's decided.

Bucky has a twin, named Rocky. That was the most interesting part of Bucky's performance. I enjoy having his hick ass around, but the country songs are boring to the entire portion of the audience that doesn't care about country music. I dunno if that's most, but it's me. That said, I recognize quality and Bucky is pretty good in his chosen millieu. I think he's gonna get hammered if they force him out of the country styling, and he still has no chance to win this thing. But I think he gets another week of food he doesn't understand.

On the D level, there is Ace. Ace also apparently has a twin. I wonder if he's named Deuce. Ace sang a less than popular Michael Jackson song. People are going to argue the merits of falsetto singing, particularly on Ace. I think it worked for the following reason. He started this song in his normal register, which is only okay. He was off-key and pitchy until he got into the false. Going false forced him to control his voice tightly and to sing on key. When he dropped back to his normal register (which is still only average), he was much more in control of things and he finished strongly. Maybe going false forced him to think about what he was doing. I think Ace could go home this week, but probably won't. He wasn't the worst. Next week, if he survives, he needs to go on without the beanie. I think it's dopey. On the flip side, I don't have ovaries or any of the attendant hormones that go with them, so what do I know about Ace being sexy or not.

Kevin is also on the D level. He finally sang something by a white guy and I think he sang it well. But there are a couple of major problems here that no one really seems to want to talk about. Lemme see if I can get them all out:

1. He lisps when he sings
2. He still wants to sing inappropriate gangsta songs (I know Kanye isn't gangsta, but compared to Kevin Covais, Yanni is gangsta)
3. His normal singing tone is a little reedy
4. The verasimilitude issue
5. The verasimilitude issue

I can't overstate the last two. When you look like you are 12, singing about being wronged (Grapevine last week) or about a fond remembrance of a long dead dutch painter (Starry Starry Night) it just doesn't ring real. I think this is a major issue that no one is really gonna talk about. Hell, Randy talks about him being gangster, which is a bigger joke than Paula. I think Kevin probably goes home this week, and if not this week, then in the next two.

On the STONE COLD LOCK LEVEL, all by himself is Will. Will has a major problem. It has nothing to do with his Brady looks. Or verasimilitude. It's really this. His normal singing voice just isn't that pleasant to listen to. It isn't unpleasant, but there is something in the timber of his voice that just doesn't do it for me. And he sang a boring song in a boring way. He's technically proficient with what he has, but what he has isn't that good. Stone Cold Lock. Bet the house.